Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Broken Stories

I'm so over the morning news. Anyone else feeling me on this?

I like to be informed about all the things in the world because that makes the responsible adult part of me feel like her needs are met. But some days I just get to feeling like the breaking news is broken. And frankly, a girl just might have to watch the unauthorized Britney Spears biopic on Lifetime on demand while she attends to her morning routine because the irresponsible part of her likes to do such things.

Was I ever a fan of Britney or N'Sync or any of the early '90s manufactured pop stars? Umm, no. But as an American human person who lived through this time period with working eyes and ears, I am familiar with the people and the stories about them and I witnessed them in real time. Just like the OJ trial, I was witness to the media hype.

And I've binged the OJ series on Netflix recently, and I gained all the insight into the process—into the players, and came out more informed. And I love me a biopic about a musician: the Johnny Cash one, the Patsy Cline one, the Ray Charles one, La Bamba, Selena (which remains one of my all-time favorite music biopics)... So, now this Britney tell-all... How could I resist?

I mean, I read the backlash about this made for TV movie. The tweets, the Facebook posts, the HuffPo and Buzzfeed pieces about how horrifically bad it was. But really, how bad could it be?

Thoughts I had while watching this biopic (because, coincidentally, I was texting with a friend who also enjoys horrible made for TV movies and whose name I shall not reveal in order to preserve her adult card):
ME: I'm about to watch the Britney biopic because I've heard it's awful...
... Wait; is Tori Spelling in this? ... 
... OMG. Fake N'Sync!...
NOT ME: YASSSSSS
ME: "JL, every bomb castle's got a fly moat." — JT to Jamie Lynn

NOT ME: What the actual hell...

ME: Well, they were at the beach house. Right before some kids stole Brit & JT's sex tape. Or as her dad calls it, the "boudoir tape"...
... So, JT's macking a girl at the bar & Brit gets pissed & disses his falling chart #s. He storms out...
... Now it appears she's about to bang the guy from N'Sync with the goatee & blond tips—commercial break! Now I'll never know.

NOT ME: Not Joey Fatone! It's funny, because his last name is literally "fat one"

ME: They break out in random dancing, refer briefly to "the MMC" & call each other Pinkie & Stinky...
... It's like what if I were to make a Lifetime movie? This would be it. (I'm feeling inspired, like I should write one about Van Halen, David Lee Roth and Sammy Hagar)...
... I fully believe this movie was conceived to deliver the Power Rangers movie trailer to it's target millennial audience...
... And also apparently their mothers because they just showed a bladder leakage pad commercial...
... And I'm 99% sure this actress was chosen based on her ability to giggle in a playful, sexual or maniacal way on cue.

(In keeping with the theme of the biopic, that above conversation represents reality but has been edited and some parts condensed to serve the story overall.)

You know when viewing this film that it was not okayed by the subject because they include exactly zero of her original songs but do include a few covers that were recorded over the years, but clearly it was not Britney singing them. There was zero mention of the movie and I had forgotten all about Sam, the post-shaved-head BF who is not portrayed in the best light here.

You ask me 20 years ago was I a fan of Britney? Oh, hell no. Because it was forced. It was a machine that rocketed her to stardom, when she was a kid and too young to know that saying no was an option. And I didn't think she was a good singer or dancer, so there's that—but I was in the minority on that because apparently the rest of the free world thought she was rapturous. I'm okay being wrong on this and stand by my opinion.

However, as an adult woman? I respect that she came out the other side of it. 

Feeling like you want to watch it? This story is as broken as the news is. But if you do watch it, be warned: You will see things that may or may not have happened. You will hear giggling performed in such a way that you can discern the specific mood. You will learn K-Fed's nickname was "meat pole" and you will never, ever get this time you spent in front of the screen back. You will bear witness to facts that look like fiction and fiction made to look like facts, but you may also walk away hoping that Britney can find happiness. 

1 comment:

  1. ...Meat pole?

    I'm going to have to watch this. But I have to wait until Chris isn't home. He won't understand the need to see this.

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